Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
My vagina just clenched in fear
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
