why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Randomize
