hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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