cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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