Don't make out with my wife yet
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Randomize
