Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
