Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Never underestimate the power of titties
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