There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
