The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Randomize
