think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
