I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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