she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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