So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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