I wish my penis had an off switch
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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