the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Why is there bacon in the couch?
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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