I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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