you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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