And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
And then he peed in my hair
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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