i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Randomize
