I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
