I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Randomize
