i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
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He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
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I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.