Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
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HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
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So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.