she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
he laminated a picture of his dick.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
