did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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