now i know why i became what i already was.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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