I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
