I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
How many fucks given?
0.12846
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
