My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Randomize
