I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
