You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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