I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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