call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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