I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
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