I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
