I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
