it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
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