I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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