you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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