3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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