My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
