his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
