My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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