If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
i already hear my dad disowning me
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
