Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
