but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
