So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
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