If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
