I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
