My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
