he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
