He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
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