either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
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