After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Randomize
