When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
