You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
I think I just sharted jello shots
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
